CORPORATE VS TEACHING - WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

I spent 30 years in Corporate America.  I owned my own business for a few years after that.  At the age of 50, I went back to school and completed the last thing on my “Do Before I Die” list.  I became a high school teacher.

 

Going in, I knew I brought some life experiences that most other first-year teachers didn’t have.  I had experience in dealing with bureaucracies, budgets, bosses, deadlines, and organization.  I had hired, fired, managed, trained, written procedures and much more that I saw as being transferrable to the teaching world.  Mostly, I had raised my children, so I definitely had more experience with teenagers than the average twenty-something new teacher!

 

But there are some things they just don’t tell you in college as they prepare you for your new teaching career.  Here are some things that I had to adjust to:

1.    You don’t get to go to the bathroom anytime you want.

In my corporate life, as I did my work at my desk, hidden in my little cubicle or behind a closed office door, I could get up and go to the restroom anytime the urge hit me. I had to adjust that habit as a teacher because I can’t just leave a room of 30 teenagers and go down the hall to the ladies’ room, especially when I won’t give them restroom passes.

2.    You can’t get a soda or a snack anytime you want.

If you are a snack person who goes to the vending machine around 10 o’clock for that bag of chips and a soda, then hits it again in the afternoon, you need to adjust that habit. When you spend all day in front of the room talking, you just don’t have time for snacking (not to mention it looks a little tacky to try to talk with a mouthful of chips). Drinking two or three sodas or bottles of water at your desk can be a problem in a classroom ….. see item #1.

3.    You don’t get to take a recharge break anytime you want.

In my corporate job, if I had a rough phone call with a client, I could hang up, sit back, heave a big sigh, and just crash for a few minutes.  I could go out back for a smoke break (if you’re a smoker), hit the vending machine, walk over to a co-worker and interrupt them for a short chit-chat, take a walk, even if it’s just to the restroom and back.  I can take my time to gather myself before I make the next phone call.  As a teacher, if I have a bad class period, I have seven minutes between classes to get it together before I have to do it all over again.  And be cheerful doing it.

4.    Doctor appointments are now on Saturday.

Boy, this one was tough the first time it happened.  In my corporate jobs, if I needed to visit the doctor, I called him from my desk made the appointment and told my supervisor I would be gone the next afternoon at one for an appointment.  Same with cable repairmen, events with my child, or other things I just needed to get done.  As a teacher, I can’t just leave at one in the afternoon for an hour or so.  I have a room full of students who expect a teacher to teach them.  I now became one of those people who needed the last appointment of the day with the doctor, told cable they had to come on Saturday morning, because Saturday afternoon I had to take my child somewhere.  Whew!  Scheduling just became a little more tight than it used to be!

 

 

5.    My lunch hour isn’t an hour.

This may not be a big deal to some, but after 30 years of having a full hour for a lunch hour, getting cut down to 30 minutes is something to get used to! No more cruising through the local drive-thru, and forget having a nice leisurely lunch with a girlfriend in a sit-down restaurant. No more running errands at lunch which means I now had to be part of the busy after-work crowd at the grocery or drugstore.

 

As a teacher, I began brown-bagging again and it had to be something quick because I found my lunch “hour” was also the best time to prepare for the afternoon classes. In my first year of teaching, I think I spent less than ten days doing nothing but “lunch” on my lunch time.

6.    Company expenses aren’t covered by the company.

Anytime I did company business for my corporate employer, I was reimbursed for my mileage and any purchases or expenses incurred.  As the cooking teacher, I shop for the supplies for my classes on cooking days, using my car, my gas and my time.  The food purchases are directly billed to my school but the wear on my car, my gas and my time is not reimbursable.

 

My department head can get me general supplies that I need, but if I need something special for a class the next day or week, I buy it myself.  No, I don’t get to issue an expense report for reimbursement.  I saw a poster once that said “Teaching: The only profession where you steal things from home to take to work.”  That pretty much says it all!

7.    Being sick is more work than just going ahead and working.

In my corporate jobs, if I was sick that day, I picked up the phone, called my boss, explained everything on my desk that could wait until I got back and went back to bed.  As a teacher, there is no way that is happening! A teacher can’t just “not show up”. A teacher has a class that happens every single day and that class can’t just sit in an in-box until the teacher decides to come back to work.

 

I quickly learned to make sure everything is prepared and laid out on my desk for the next day, just in case I got hit by a bus and had to call for a substitute teacher at the last minute.  If I didn’t do that, it is not improbable that I’d have to get up out of my sick bed, come in to work, get stuff ready for a sub, then go home and be sick. Teachers really do have to plan ahead if they want to be sick.  (Putting “The Ritual” into practice really helps avoid this kind of stress!)

8.    Keep your desk secure and clean.

This was not a big transition as I consider myself a pretty organized person, but I quickly learned as a teacher that I couldn’t just leave things on my desk.  Adults in a corporate job tend to respect what is on a person’s desk (most of them, anyway!).  But teenagers are a different story, especially if they think they can get a quick look at the next quiz or at their friend’s grade.  Confidentiality, if it wasn’t Job One before, certainly is now.

 

The rewards

Before I make is sound like the entire adjustment is negative, let me close with the best difference of all.  My corporate job co-workers never gave me thank you notes and hugs for helping them with the simplest things.  They never fought over who got to sit next to my desk so they could just talk with me. They rarely told me I was the nicest person (teacher) they had. On the rare occasions I met a co-worker’s mom, the mom never said to me, “I hear a lot about you!” (and she means it in a good way!). I just can’t put a value on these types of rewards.

 

Some of the other rewards of being a teacher include the many days off we get.  I get to spend the entire summer at the pool with my grandchildren.  I get five weeks paid vacation from Day One ….. spring break, fall break, Christmas break, Thanksgiving break, plus all of the little one-day holidays.  No Corporate America job that I know of gives you five paid vacation weeks from your day of hire!

 

And let’s not forget that on really cold, snowy and blizzardy days, we get to sleep in and not have to battle the weather or the traffic like those who work in offices, warehouses, and factories!  (I think this is one of my favorite rewards.)

 . 

THINGS MY FRIENDS TAKE FOR GRANTED AND DON'T APPRECIATE

This entry is a follow-up to the blog entry that follows this one.  The blog entry below discusses what was considered "normal" when you grow up dirt poor and this blog entry discusses the "normal" things others take for granted but those of us who grew up dirt poor honestly appreciate.  Both entries are similar stories so my readers may see some repetition.  But it all ties in........

I appreciate it SO MUCH that my children never had to live this way.  Sometimes our money was tight, but they never  had to come home to disconnected lights or bill collectors banging on the door, like I did.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I recently came across this article on facebook, ….. 

“25 former poor kids share things they never had that their friends didn't appreciate. It's a lesson in gratitude”

https://scoop.upworthy.com/former-poor-kids-share-things-they-never-had-friends-didnt-appreciate-its-a-lesson-in-gratitude?fbclid=IwAR1QQ0UHCdk9KH1OcGybb4wEOzacASOWIgsysPrEbwOMvE5dhUvzHekxw3A 
 ….. which made me think of my own list.  Right now I really miss CJ, as I know she could add so much more to this very long list.
 

Here is the list of things I've come to appreciate..... 

My friends have frequently heard me describe myself as “I grew up dirt poor.  Seriously, dirt had it better than us.  We had perfect attendance at school because school is where the food was.  And this was LONG before free lunches and breakfast at school was not even an idea yet.”
 
Before you read further, I also tell people I wouldn’t change a thing because it has made me the strong, independent person I am.  People who grow up “with everything” (uh….that can probably be translated to “grow up normal”) can’t figure out how to survive what I refer to as “just life”.
 
So many of the things listed in this article hit home for me.  Being yelled at for eating because we wouldn’t have anything for supper tomorrow.  Never being allowed to drink milk because we had to save it for the baby. Having a car that would start.  Having a car that I don’t live in fear will break down on me and leave me stranded somewhere, then getting yelled at for “bothering” people to use their phone to call for help.
 
I appreciate being able to have candles for decoration and not for required light when (not if) the power was cut off because the bill didn’t get paid. I am grateful that I know I will always have heat in the winter.  Growing up it was a given that we’d go without heat for most of the winter.
 

I appreciate and am grateful for toilet paper.  Oh my gosh, my kids will never understand the love and thrill of always having toilet paper in the house. My kids will never understand what it was like to go to the bathroom and have NOTHING to wipe with.  Just do your business, pull up your pants, and go.  I can’t remember exactly when, but I was an older kid (8? 10?) before I learned that girls also wipe after they pee.  During the summer, when we were locked out of the house, we would use the outhouse which was never stocked with toilet paper.  We thought it was normal.
 
I remember when I was first married and had real boxes of tissue sitting around.  I thought I had “made it” because I could afford tissue like rich people.
 
Taking a bubble bath today is such a luxury. On bath night (yes, bath night. Once a week bath night), our “bubble bath” was made by throwing a handful of Tide powder laundry soap in the tub to make “suds”.  Never “bubbles”.  Suds.
 
Yes, I’ve gone thru periods where I had to juggle what was getting paid, but my kids never had their power, heat or water disconnected.  My kids will also never know the embarrassment and fear of being ten years old and being told to answer the door and tell the power company “the check’s in mail” while my mom hid in the bathroom.  They will never experience learning to hide when bill collectors came to the door, which was so often it became normal.  I am grateful that I do not have be afraid of who might be knocking at my door.
 
I probably don’t like breakfast food because many of our suppers (rich people had “dinner” …… we had supper) were eggs that dad would get from gramma’s henhouse. Some dishes that were created when I was a kid became a family favorite, but gravy bread will never be one of them.  It was a sign that we were down to less than nothing when gravy bread was supper.  Gravy made from Crisco, flour and water spooned over slices of bread that went immediately soggy. 

 

It may be why I refuse to eat soggy foods, like cereal at the end of the bowl (I will eat two small bowls of cereal instead of one normal bowl, so I can eat the cereal before it gets soggy), and I won’t just crumble crackers in soup for the same reason.
 
Plus I just never got used to eating breakfast since we never had money for milk for cereal and our mom was not the type to get up and cook eggs for everyone.  I went most of my life with no breakfast.  I’m used to it.  It’s no big deal not to eat anything until the afternoon.  I am grateful and appreciate just having my coffee in the morning.
 

And speaking of bread, to this day, I refuse to eat the last two slices in a loaf.  I will never be so poor again that I can’t afford to throw out bread that is stale.  (I also believe to waste food is a sin, so I put these slices in the freezer and use them for stuffing and bread crumbs.)

It would have been nice to have enough underwear.  Our mom would buy 2-3 packs of underwear (figure 4 pair per pack) at the beginning of school year and that had to last three or four girls the entire year.  The. Entire. Year. 

If we changed clothes/underwear too often, we got yelled at for creating laundry for her to do, so wearing underwear for 5, 7 or more days in a row was normal.  I didn’t know everyone else didn’t do that.  

Living in the country, running water caused the electric well to run which ran up the light bill, so too much laundry, taking a bath or washing our hair more than once a week, would get us in trouble for causing the utility bill to run high.  When that happened (not if, but when), then we lived with no power for a while when it got disconnected.

 

Having a clean bed with sheets. Sheets became a luxury and a top sheet was something rich people used.  I honestly didn’t know fitted sheets and flat sheets were a set until I was in my late teens or early 20s.  I thought they were just different styles of sheets that went on the mattress and only rich people put two sheets on the bed. 

 

When I watch HGTV’s house buying shows and I see people who complain because their kids won’t share a bathroom, I have to burst out laughing.  We grew up sharing a bed.  Sometimes three kids to a bed, and if the heat was turned off, all six of us slept in one bed to stay warm. 

 

We had bed wetters in our house and when that happened, the blankets were just thrown back to allow the bed to dry.  Sheets were never changed, mattresses were never protected. We slept on pee-smelling mattresses and sheets.  It was a given.  It was normal.  How much do I appreciate clean sheets and beds?  You cannot imagine.

 

I read a book once, “Hillbilly Effigy”, which was about how a man grew up hillbilly style.  I’m sure the people in New York read the transcript and thought “Wow! This in incredible!” I read it and thought, “Yeah, so?  You grew up like me. Why is that a book?” 

 

But there was one “ah-HA!” moment at the end when he describes having a Christmas list of gift ideas for his nieces and nephews.  On the list is pajamas.  His thought was “Pajamas!  Poor people don’t wear pajamas!” and went on to describe that poor people slept in dad’s old t-shirts or underwear or similar old clothes that were too worn out to pass down to the next kid.

 

I can relate.  I remember having nightgowns when other relatives gave them to us as Christmas gifts, but from the age of about 12, I have never in my life owned pajamas. The idea of having special clothes just to sleep in is just foreign to me.  I really cannot wrap my head around why this idea makes any sense to anyone. You really change out of pants and a shirt to put on a set of different pants and a shirt then go to bed? Really? I own a robe to wear over my underwear or my oversize t-shirt until I get dressed for the day.

 

When we were first married, my husband, Phil, was surprised that I didn’t change clothes when I came home from work.  Change clothes?  Wow, only rich people had two sets of clothes!  When he explained his after-school-clothes were his old play clothes, again I respond that only rich people had clothes for school and clothes to play in. 

 

If we couldn’t wear it to school (in the days when little girls had to wear dresses), then it didn’t get purchased.  Clothes I outgrew became school clothes for the younger sisters.  Plus, as I already mentioned, if we had DARED to wear two sets of clothes that created more laundry that created more water use that created a big light bill, we’d be in big trouble.  I appreciate just owning my one pair of jeans (at a time) to wear on the weekend.

 

I knew someone who was trying to convince me how bad he had it. How there were times when they walked home from school for lunch, ‘…..all we had was some potato soup.”  My response?  “You had lunch everyday?  I thought only rich people did that.”  There was a short time period that we lived in a city school system and walked home for lunch.  No school-provided lunches in those days.  Lots of times, we walked home, watched some tv and walked back.  Lunch every single day was for rich people. 

 

Another person I worked with who complained “we can only afford macaroni and cheese, and hot dogs for dinner.”  I could only internally shake my head and I remembered back when just ONE of those as our whole dinner was considered a feast.  Notice I didn’t say “would have been” …. I was “WAS”.  Supper was a hot dog or two.  Supper was a plate of mac-n-cheese.  

This person didn’t appreciate how good she had it.  

I do.

YOU MEAN THIS ISN'T NORMAL???

You Mean This Isn’t Normal?

Came across this article “15 People Who Grew Up Poor Share the Things That They Always Thought Were Normal” 

(https://tiphero.com/people-who-grew-up-poor?fbclid=IwAR3gCsFvZlCe5rjPa51gkBne4FShY5Ye1tngVhNpeEpVH3XxDmUAqfw6CnU ) 

Wow, did it hit home.  I could have written this article.  It even included a couple  of things I hadn’t thought about but “Yep ….. that, too” struck me as I read it. 

Take a moment and read the original article before going further.........

If  you read this and found it an horrific way to grow up, then I am sincerely glad for you because it means you didn’t have to survive (you read that right …. “survive”) in an environment like this.  I also want to state that I wouldn’t change anything about how I grew up.  It made me into the person I am, with the drive and motivation needed to achieve what I have achieved in life.  Anything I have  had to deal with in my life has never been as bad as what I already survived.

I’m going to take them one at a time…..

Second Hand Clothes

Most kids looked forward to buying new school clothes.  And, yes, we did get a few new things in August before school started. I remember being excited because we got a couple of packages of new underwear, containing 4 (5?) pairs of underpants, to be shared among us three girls ….. for the whole school year.  8-10 underpants for 3 girls for the year.

But the bulk of our clothes came from relatives, friends and passing our own clothes from oldest to youngest. Don’t misunderstand ….. there is nothing wrong with that.  For the most part, they were perfectly good.  But for this reason, I never learned about changing into “play” clothes when getting home from school.  Only rich kids had school clothes and play clothes.  If we couldn’t wear it to school, then it wasn’t purchased for us. 

My friends always told me their play clothes came from “…..my school clothes that were kinda worn out.”  Interesting.  Because MY school clothes that were “kinda” worn out became my little sister’s school clothes.

Groceries Are Exciting

Going thru the groceries bags like it was Christmas morning.  People who got to go to the grocery every week to restock the pantry will never understand the thrill of those days when our parents could afford to go to the grocery “like normal people”.  I remember waiting in the car while our mom shopped for groceries.  When the bags were placed in the back of the station wagon, we’d start diving in and exploring, with exclamations of joy over brand name cereal AND milk (we could rarely afford milk for the older kids …. It was always reserved for “the baby”), bologna, the rare box of cookies.  Not kidding ….. bags of groceries were like lots of gift bags at Christmas.

Being Hungry

We were always told not to ask for something to eat when we visited relatives.  If they offered, that was ok. And that’s normal.  It was considered poite behavior.  But there was a certain way they had to offer.  “Here, have a cookie” was ok to accept, but “Do you want a cookie?” required a “no” response.

I remember being at my Uncle Kenny’s house when he asked us if we had eaten dinner yet (we always had to say “no”.  We were not allowed to tell people we had no food at home).  When I started to turn my head, he stopped me and said, “Don’t look at your mother…… you know if you’ve eaten yet or not.  So just tell me.”  Even while I was shaking my head “no”, I was scared of getting in trouble for “admitting” we had not eaten that day.

Along with that was Only Eating At School.  How often have I told the story about “We had perfect attendance at school because that’s where the food was.”  This was also LONG before schools started offering breakfast (something that didn’t come along until after I had graduated).  We could never assume there would be supper every night, because many times, there wasn’t.

A Staycation

To this day, I have trouble grasping the concept of “everybody” going on a spring break vacation or even a big summer vacation.  Some of the “big” vacations we had included driving to the nearest big city airport to watch the planes take off.  A few times we drove to Dayton OH (about a 45 minute drive) to the free air force museum. That was considered a big time vacation!!!  Mostly, we found access to a river and packed a picnic and swam in the river. I don’t feel that I was deprived of anything.  We enjoyed those events and had lots of family fun.  As the headline says, we thought it was normal.  Only rich people actually “went” on a vacation.

Always Alone

For reasons that differ from those  in the article, our mother’s way of escaping the “poor-dom” was to leave.  Leave her kids at home alone while she (and dad) went to visit relatives.  I was ten years old and in charge of 4 siblings, which included sisters ages 9, 8, 6,  a barely toddling 2-yr baby brother and eventually a baby (infant) sister added to the mix.  They would be gone for hours and would leave nothing for us to have for lunch, along with strict orders to “stay out of the bread! (and) be sure to feed the baby.”

There was one day I vividly remember we thought we could sneak some slices of bread for five kids and our parents wouldn’t notice.  No butter, no peanut butter, just plain slices of bread.  That was our food for the day while our parents were gone for hours.  Yes, I said hours.  When they came home, our mother started yelling “Well, they’ve been in the bread so we have nothing for supper!”   We were in trouble for eating.  Sneaking food was normal.

I was surprised to learn my friends needed sitters when they were my age.  I thought parents leaving all day long and leaving the oldest kid to watch all the other kids was normal.

No Heat in the Winter

Another given.  Six kids in a bed to stay warm.  A 2-story house shut down to 2 rooms with blankets hung at the doorways to keep the heat (from the open oven) in the kitchen and the connecting room where the one bed was.  Frozen water pipes were always going to happen because of no heat in the house.  (You mean everyone didn’t have to deal with frozen water pipes?  Every winter? Really?). If we ran out of heating oil, there was always a week or more waiting time to get more, until the next payday, and that was only if the light bill or rent wasn’t due.

But even that wasn’t a given.  No heat, frozen pipes and the electricity being turned off.  That was our normal winter.  Normal.  As I write this, I have concern that my readers don’t really understand how I’m using the word  “normal”.  It’s normal for my reader to come home to a warm house with dinner on the table and a dad complaining about too many lights on in the house.  It was normal for us to come home to a cold, dark house, hoping the lunch we had at school would  last us until lunch at school tomorrow. 

Normal.

Only One Pair of Shoes

Until I saw this in the article, I never thought about it much.  More than one pair of shoes?  Seriously?  We had “school shoes” in the winter and cheap tennis shoes in the summer, which were usually the gym shoes we brought home at the end of the school year.  Like our clothes, shoes were passed down to the next kid until they were worn out and trashed.

Knowing About the Bills

I can tell you the amount of rent we paid at every house we lived in starting when I was in second grade.  I knew when they were being sued for non-payment of a hospital bill or other bill.  I knew my dad’s paycheck had garnishments on it “with others waiting in line” for their turn. 

I had a 4^th grade concert where we were asked to wear navy blue shirts for girls and navy pants for boys with a white shirt so we’d look “uniform”.  I never even told my parents about it because (1) I didn’t own either of those things and (2) I knew we didn’t have the money to go buy one.  When another mother blew the whistle about the uniform request, I lied to my mom about how I “just forgot” because I didn’t want to embarrass her in front of another mom by saying “Because I knew we didn’t have the money to buy one.”  As a 4th grader, I knew we never had money before payday so to ask for a special outfit to wear to a concert was just not going to happen.  It had become so normal that I didn't even feel bad about looking different from my classmates. 

(I was also VERY surprised at how most of my classmates owned a blue skirt and white blouse.)

We knew running water meant the electric pump in the well would be running which ran up the electric bill.  So baths were just once a week with two  kids at a time in the tub.  When they were done, the next two got in.  Same water.  Because running two tubs of water was expensive.

We didn’t dare create extra laundry (another reason we didn’t change clothes when coming home from school) so we better not get so dirty we had to change clothes during the day.  We lived in the country and played outside so our clothes DID get dirty.  But we just wore them.  All day.  And on the weekend, we wore them the next day, too.  Didn’t everybody?

I remember being shocked while at a family friend’s house and the mom told her son to change clothes because the shirt was dirty.  On the way home, our mom was making fun of the woman for being “uppity” about “a little dirt on his shirt!” and going on about “it must be nice to be able to afford to do extra laundry!”

As we girls grew into teens, we were reprimanded (well, that’s a nice word for it) if we washed our hair too often.  It ran up the electric bill.  Shampoo was expensive so we used liquid dish soap to wash our hair.  (Didn’t everybody?)

All of this because I knew, as a kid, about our bills and what could and couldn't be paid.

Breaking Open the Piggy Bank

Even when we were in elementary school and once in a while got our $1 a week allowance, we knew to save it in case our parents had to borrow it for food or gas. We quickly figured out we wouldn’t be getting our allowance the week the rent was due, but we thought that was normal.  Didn’t everybody forego a week without an allowance because rent had to be paid? 

But then my sister and I quickly saw that loaning them a dollar this week meant  we got two dollars next payday, giving us a dollar to spend and a dollar to hold back to loan them when they needed it.  When.  Not “if”.  When. The entrepreneur spirit hit us early when we saved our two dollars to be turned into three (payback the two, plus our one dollar allowance), and so forth.  We got to be pretty good at parlaying our one dollar allowance into quite an income.  Because it was “normal” for our parents to come to us to borrow money for food and gas money. 

And we didn’t do it so we’d have a lot of money in our piggy bank.  We did it to assure our dad could get to work (because even as kids, we knew if he missed one day’s work, we wouldn’t eat that week), and so we could have food the day before payday.

For those youngsters out there reading this, one dollar went quite a ways back in the 1960s.  Gas was under 20 cents a gallon, so a dollar’s worth of gas could get you four or five gallons or more, which could be at least a quarter of a tank, which would get dad to work for at least a couple of days.  Bread was ten for a dollar, which is why we had lots of gravy bread dinners (something I refuse to eat to this day) or had toast with eggs from our gramma’s chicken coop (which is probably why I am not a fan of breakfast food because I equate it with “poor people food”). 

It's interesting ... when I went searching online for a photo of "gravy bread", there was nothing there.  This photo is the closest thing and it looks WAY more appetizing that what we had.  A slice of bread on a plate, covered in water-gravy (that means it was made with flour and water because we couldn't afford milk).  Dinner became a soggy piece of bread covered with this gravy-like mixture.  So evidently this is such "poor people food" that there are no photos of it online anywhere, with the bragging caption of "Look what we had for dinner tonight!".

When we started babysitting and got our first jobs (my first paycheck-job was at 14 years old), we started buying things for supper …. soup, bread-and-bologna, bags of potatoes ….. out of our paycheck.  It was never said but just understood if we had a job, then we chipped in for groceries.  This differed from the borrowing of a dollar for gas.  This was never  paid back.  It was expected.  It was normal.  More than that, it became survival.

As teenagers, we always got big tax refund checks. We knew when they arrived, we’d need to “loan” our parents money for heating oil or a car repair or to pay the disconnect notice  on the light bill.  It was normal.  Most of the time, it was repaid, but we didn’t really count on it.  My friend laughed at me when they got a refund check and I asked, “How much did you have to loan your parents?”  That’s when I learned it wasn’t normal.

I learned lots of things I did growing up wasn’t considered normal.  But we thought it was.

A Sad Anniversary

This poem was published on Facebook on January 10, 2015, the third anniversary of my sister CJ's death.  Wow, has it been 3 years already?  She was my very, VERY best friend.

------------------------------------------------------

We didn’t grow up in a time when every kid had their own room.
We shared not just a bedroom but a bed.
We shared our thoughts and secrets for hours under the quilts
Until we finally fell asleep.

We fought everyday trying to outdo each other.
You were trying to get straight A’s like me.
I was trying to do cartwheels and climb a tree like you.
We were different. We were the same.

My first job was in an office.
I came home dressed in heels and hose.
Your first job was in a factory.
You came home dressed in jeans and t-shirts.
Both of us were tired and exhausted.
We were different. We were the same.

You moved to a job in the office.
You came home dressed in heels and hose.
I moved to be a full time college kid.
I came home dressed in jeans and t-shirts.
Both of us were tired and exhausted.
We were different. We were the same.

And we still found time to talk on the phone.
For hours.
Everyday.
And when we couldn’t talk, we’d email.
Pages and pages of emails.
We shared our thoughts and secrets for hours on the keyboard.

We were each other’s therapist, critic, motivator, and cheerleader.
And even each other’s kick in the ass when we needed it.
We knew we were more than sisters.
We were forever best friends.

You are eternally missed ….. and always loved.

Carla "CJ" Calvelage
August 17,1961 - January 10, 2012

.

Dumpster Diving - The Table

As promised, here is the photo of the dining table set we found in the dumpster.  My husband had to buy some hardware to reconnect the legs.  The hardware was the only part we didn't find in the dumpster!

I've always wanted a square dining table, and now I have one .... for FREE!!!

Now I have a new project in front of me.....crocheting a lacy tablecloth for it!

Dumpster Diving

I never thought I'd be a dumpster diver.  Dumpster are full of trash and yukky stuff.  I could not imagine putting myself in contact with anything in a dumpster.

My, how times have changed.

As we approached retirement age, my husband and I began the downsizing process.  We uncluttered our four-bedroom, two-story monster home and downsized to a four-room apartment.  Living in an apartment complex is different in many ways but one of the ways is having a trash dumpster outside our building.  No more trash stacking up in the garage waiting for trash day!  It was very easy to take the trash out every day if necessary!

I also soon learned the rituals of Moving Day as neighbors began moving to new apartments.  I noticed furniture, mattresses, large children's toys and much more.  At first, I marveled at the disposable mindset of my soon-to-be former neighbors.  How can they just throw these things away?  Couldn't they Craigslist them?  Donate them to Goodwill?  What a waste!

My apprehension of coming in contact with dumpster dropped items lifted when I saw two small shelves on the ground next to the huge metal trash dumpster.  They were exactly what I was needing for my office area.  They were not actually "in" the dumpster, so I picked them up, washed them off, and hung them by my desk.

Later that day, I found a small lamp which was perfect for the corner of my desk.  My work area was now complete!

There was now a part of my brain watching the dumpster area a bit closer than I used to.  I spotted a stackable table.  These normally come in sets of three or four and can be stacked for storage savings.  This shorter table was perfect to add next to my bed, next to the taller table that held my clock and gave me extra space for my glasses and my books.

But the best find was just yesterday!  On my way to the car, I spotted two dark wood dining room chairs inside our dumpster-shelter, beside the dumpster.  The wood was still nice and shiny, with no scratches.  They were in great shape.  As I hauled both of them back into my apartment, I was thinking, "Boy, I wish there had been two more so I'd have a set of four!"  My initial plan was to use these when we set up the card table for card games, puzzles or a day long session of Monopoly.

I left in the car and was gone about six hours.  To my surprise, I noticed the other two matching chairs sticking out of the dumpster itself.  I rushed into the apartment, grabbing my husband to help me dig these chairs out of the dumpster. While we are working on this, I notice a tabletop propped against the wall.  I told my husband to check out the top of  the table and voiced disappointment that the legs were gone.


Getting back on track, we pulled the two chairs out of the dumpster and were happy to see they were also in great shape.  We talked about our good fortune and how much money we would save when we decide to purchase a new dining room table since we wouldn't have to purchase chairs.

Our day suddenly got even more exciting.  Under the chairs, bound together in duct tape, were the four table legs!!!

Unfortunately, we were unable to find the hardware to fasten the legs to the tabletop so my husband will be making a trip to the hardware store so we can assemble the table.

Rest assured, another photo will be forthcoming when the whole dining room table set is set up and complete!

So with these positive adventures under my belt, I have heard others share their dumpster dive salvage stories and am finding it amazing what people throw out and what people find.  Share your stories with me, please!

Campus Observations

I wrote these short observations while waiting for my next class to start, sitting in the common area on campus.  It struck me how alone all of these people were, even while they were in the same room with each other.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I sit at a table in the common area of the campus building, watching my college classmates as they adhere to their scholastic schedule.  Candy wrappers crinkle as the elevator door opened to admit the one lone rider who throws his empty candy wrapper in the trash can between the two elevators before entering the small roving room.  The electronic eye, that made sure no one was between the doors before they closed and allowed the elevator to make its assent to the upper floors, failed to see the two other people scurrying to catch the vertical taxi cab, and they merely ended up exhaling a sigh of exasperation as one of them hit the call button three times, as if that would get the elevator back even faster.

A young lady walks down the hamster tunnel connecting the two buildings on campus, hitting the large blue button labeled with a stick-figure in a stick-wheelchair so she wouldn’t have to open the door herself.  Her light touch failed to engage the opener’s mechanism but she just stood there for a couple of seconds before she took the two steps back to hit it again, not thinking if she had just gone ahead and pushed the door open manually she would have been well on her way by now.

The tall kid with blonde hair walks by with his head down and his fingers busy on his phone, too heavily engaged in his own electronic conversation to notice he was walking past a young lady at the center table heavily engaged in the same intense activity, both of them alone and surrounded by a sea of invisible friends through their electronic connection to a social life.

The dozen or so computers are all in use, each person focused on their screen, oblivious to any activity around them.  It is so quiet.  There are no conversations, no questions going back and forth, no joking, no banter.  Small white wires can be seen hanging out of the ears of some of the computer users and walker-by’s, locked into their own silent world of sound, closing out any of the outside sounds around them, not really aware of the sounds of life they are missing.

Spousal Rape

This is a paper I wrote for a class at IUPUI.  The more I researched the topic, the more upset and angry I became.  The paper ran way over the required length because I found all of the information too important to leave out.  Printed out, it's 12 pages long, so settle back for a long read. (By the way, I got a "100" on this paper.)

----------------------------------------

SPOUSAL RAPE

                               © Debi Brim 2012

Until 1975, a woman enjoyed the right of protection in her own home, except for one particular act of violence.  "And that is rape, where a man forces himself sexually upon a woman whether he is licensed by the marriage law to do it or not.”[1]  For centuries, rape was defined as “nonconsensual intercourse with a woman other than one's wife.”[2] (emphasis mine).  With this wording, a husband was given legal permission to force sex upon a woman simply because he was married to her.  She had no right to say no. 

So said a Michigan court in 1981 when Rosanna Hawkins was raped at knifepoint for over an hour by her estranged husband.  Initially sentenced to 27 to 92 years in prison, the Michigan Court of Appeals overturned the conviction by citing “in Michigan it is not a crime for a man to sexually assault his wife unless they are living apart and one has filed for divorce.”[3]  (The court actually said, “not a crime … to sexually assault….)”  Rosanna had had not yet filed the divorce papers because she had recently moved back to Michigan, to live with her sister, and was waiting to fulfill the residency requirement before she would be permitted to file divorce papers.  The law seemed to be a double whammy for Rosanna: Under existing law, she is not protected unless she has filed divorce papers but the law also prevents her from filing divorce papers right away.

            Michigan law also requires the couple be living separately.  This was no comfort to another woman who met the residency requirement, filed for divorce but could not get her husband to move out of the house.  With little income of her own, she was unable to move out with her daughter, “My understanding of the law is that if he should force himself on me now, even though I have filed for divorce, he could not be prosecuted for his assaults.''[4]  Here was a woman who managed to get through the double-whammy laws but was still unprotected under the law because all any husband had to do to avoid being prosecuted for rape was to stay in the home, forcing (through finances or other controlling factors) his victim to live with him.  The law said the couple had to be living separately for her to be protected, but there was no law to force him to comply with the living separate part.

            A Virginia husband’s guilty verdict was overturned by the state’s Supreme Court, who decided the case did not meet the requirements of current law which said a man could be charged with raping his wife “only if she had made it clear ‘beyond a reasonable doubt’ that she wanted to end the marriage.”[5]  The horrific details of the case prompted the Virginia Legislature to pass a bill making it a crime for a man to rape his wife when they are living together.  The husband’s actions in the case were not in dispute.  The trial judge said about the case:

''He kicked in a locked door and knocked out its frame to gain access into the apartment occupied by the wife and infant son. His physical assault and personal violence upon his wife is recited in detail and it occurred without question. Her struggle to the uttermost trying to avoid being ravished by him, but to no avail, is even admitted by the defendant.''[6]

            But the Virginia Supreme Court, in spite of these details, determined the husband had a legal right to force his wife to have sex with him.

            Spousal rape finally became illegal in all 50 states in 1993 when North Carolina became the last state to pass spousal rape laws into effect. North Dakota was the first in 1975.

It wasn’t just the act of rape that shackled a woman’s right to protection under the law.  There were layers of laws based on 17^th century English thinking that imprisoned women in relationships and situations from which she had no legal recourse or escape. The laws, the logic, and the traditional thinking that subjected women to these situations were centuries in the making.  A seventeenth century English Chief Justice, Matthew Hale, is credited with the reasoning that granted immunity for a man against raping his wife when he ordained that consent to sex was implied with marriage, known as the “implied consent and contract theory”[7].  He believed “marriage is a contract, under the terms of which a husband has the absolute power to determine the time, place and manner of sexual intercourse. The husband is authorized to enforce the contract unilaterally, by force if he deems necessary.”[8]  The woman did not have to give consent for each sex act since she had given her implied consent for sex upon execution of the marital contract. A husband had a right to sex and it was a woman’s duty to provide it.

With the marital contract came the idea that women became property of men.  Women’s identities were merged in with the husband’s; she and her property became his property. She “lost” her own name and took her husband’s (in some places, as required by law), and the couple became one entity.  The underlying logic of why this made it impossible for a man to rape his wife was that since “husband and wife were one entity, a husband could not be charged with raping his wife, as that would equate to raping himself.”[9] (emphasis mine). Since women were considered property, rape was not a crime against a woman (or even against a person) but was considered a crime against the man’s own property.

Believe it or not, supporters of the above arguments … those who believe marital rape should not be a crime ….. have added other arguments to their cause.  It was claimed that marital rape did not occur enough to be considered a serious problem. The counter-argument was that the number of times an offense was committed was not the basis to determine if it should be a crime or not.  Add to that, 1990s data shows that 25% of all U.S. rapes were marital rape, and 14% of all women report they have experienced marital rape at least once, and the argument of “did not occur enough”  immediately becomes null.  

Some have even gone as far as to suggest “the damage to a woman from rape in marriage is less severe than the damage caused to a victim of non-marital rape.”[10]  This theory is also rejected.  Marital rape is a betrayal of trust (the husband is supposed to care for and protect the wife).  What really sets marital rape apart is that the victim has to live with her attacker, and she lives in constant fear that she could be attacked and raped at any time, awake or asleep.  The reality is that “women who are raped by their husbands are likely to be raped many times - often 20 times or more before they are able to end the violence.”[11]

There are those who do not believe a man should be able to be charged with rape of his wife simply for the husband’s protection against false accusations.

 “This "lying woman" justification, premised on the idea that women are vindictive liars, posits that criminalizing marital rape results in women filing false rape charges to gain leverage against their husbands in divorce and custody proceedings. Essentially, it promotes the "stereotype of women as liars, schemers, troublemakers and home breakers who want to ruin innocent men to suit their own vindictive or irrational ends."[12]

 Even if women were willing to run the risk of being labeled a lying troublemaker, her access to the courts was legally blocked under a law that said a wife could not testify against her husband, which meant she could not testify in court to what he did to her.  This law was thrown out in 1980 when the Supreme Court recognized it as medieval law.[13]   A Utah court, in 2009, “noted with concern that the privilege enables abusers to silence their victims.”[14] Add to this the exemptions under any marital rape laws (i.e. divorce papers must be filed; she must show that she really wanted to divorce him; they must be living apart; etc.) and it shows that women were denied legal equality and even access to the court system.

Another barrier set up for women within the legal system was how marital rape and domestic violence cases were burdened with special evidence and procedure rules.  Women had a limited time to report the marital rape, and it was treated differently than non-marital rape.  “South Carolina, for example, requires that a victim report marital rape within thirty days; however, the state has no reporting requirements for victims of non-marital rape.”[15]

Women many times were required to prove they fought back, how hard they fought back, provide witnesses to prove whether she screamed or not, and sometimes even had to prove depth of penetration as states had different requirements of depth to determine if a rape had actually taken place.  It has even been suggested by those who are in favor of marital rape exemptions that it is just too hard to prove a lack of consent from the raped wife simply because the couple had had consensual sex many times before. 

This argument goes back to the 19^th century when “all-male juries and members of the judiciary often assumed that once a woman had consented to sex, any subsequent sexual activity was consensual.”[16]  Otherwise, once he’s had sex with her one time, then she is his to “take” any time after that, anytime he wants, no matter what she says subsequently. 

What this came down to was a belief that only virgins could be raped.

These ideas have mostly been discarded because "difficulty of proof has never been a proper criterion for deciding what behavior should be officially censured by society."[17]  Conversely, states that have added requirements to prove resistance or have lower sentences for marital rape as opposed to non-marital rape  “continue to promote the classical idea that rape in marriage is not as bad as rape outside of marriage and that women who are subject to marital rape are ‘second class victims not worthy of equal protection’.”[18] 

Some states dropped the ‘fight back’ requirement if the woman feared death or bodily injury, however, “rape itself has not been found to be serious bodily injury. “  An example of how this ended up working was in New York when a woman “fiercely resisted her known attacker who knocked down the bathroom door and raped her twice. The prosecutor in the county was reluctant to file rape charges against the attacker because the victim did not fear death or bodily injury other than rape.”(emphasis mine)[19]

The position of black women was even worse.  Black women were thought of as sexually uncontrolled.  White Southerners laid claim to the idea that descendants of slaves “lacked the virtue to exercise the right of citizens” and therefore “black women could not be raped.”[20]  Even when the attempt to pass a law to raise the age of consent from 10 to 14-18, opposition stood against it with the idea that female children should be able to protect themselves against assault:

“I regard the twelve-year-old girl as being as capable of resisting the wiles of the seducer as any older woman,” one Kentucky legislator wrote in 1895. Statutory rape reform lagged in the South in part because legislators explicitly feared that it “would enable negro girls to sue white men” and thus put the “negro female on the same plane with the white female.”[21]

With all of these against them, the one barrier that couldn’t be legislated against was the attitude of law enforcement, from police to judges, who “routinely regarded crimes against women as less serious than comparable crimes against men and treated female victims with suspicion and disdain.”[22]  Even those in position as high up as the Justice Department voiced their objections to women’s equality under the law.   As recently as 1994, while the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) was going through Congress, Bruce Fein (a former Justice Department official under President Reagan) testified that the VAWA would impede a state's choice not to make marital rape a crime. He believed the states’ decision to criminalize marital rape as one that is "peculiarly local and responsive to local customs." [23]

Even when the woman has a legal document of protection (restraining order), the courts and law enforcement have used “discretion” to not uphold the order. 

The case of Gonzales vs. Town of Castle Rock is the story of a woman who called police because her estranged husband had taken their three children from her front yard, despite a restraining order.  After seeing the restraining order presenting by Mrs. Gonzales, the officers chose to do nothing.  The husband killed the three little girls.  The Supreme Court found “the respondent did not have a property interest in police enforcement of the restraining order against her husband, and thus, the officers' failure to enforce the restraining order did not violate the Due Process Clause” and went on to add that it “is hard to imagine that a Colorado peace officer would not have some discretion” in whether the circumstances merit whether the restraining order should be enforced or not.[24] 

The woman, who had followed the law and obtained a legal document to protect her and her children, a document issued by a judge after review of her reasoning and evidence, was still not protected by law enforcement when two street officers arbitrarily decided that she was not to be taken seriously in a “family matter” and it resulted in the murder of her children. 

Law enforcement is not the only attitude that needs enlightened.  Women, themselves, fail to see rape inside a marriage as a crime. “In 2002, many US women still believe sex within marriage is an obligation -and define forced sex by their spouse as a ‘wifely duty’ – and that ‘real’ rape only occurs when the attacker is a stranger.”[25]

The social impact of marital rape extends outside of the bedroom.  Battered women and their children represent almost 50% of the nation’s homeless.  In addition, 50% of rape victims are fired or quit their jobs after the crime due to absenteeism, harassment on the job by the rapist husband, and other stressors that affect her ability to do her job and advance in her career. “Thus, violence is a tool for maintaining women's economic inferiority to, and dependency on, men.” [26]

While non-stranger rape has been brought to the forefront of social discussion (i.e. date rape and acquaintance rape), marital rape has yet to make the hurdle.  It still remains a distant cousin, sitting in the shadows, afraid to come out in the limelight.   The increased conversation, however slight, has brought about legal changes such as the mandatory arrest policy.  Critics have argued this is a band-aid, a quick response fix that requires police officers to arrest someone but fails to address why police were previously using their discretion to not arrest someone before; why and how their non-actions implied that domestic violence and marital rape was a family matter, was acceptable behavior, and/or was the woman’s fault, and, in the case of Mrs. Gonzales, why street officers could take it upon themselves to disregard an order of restraint that had been issued by a court judge.[27]

What are the factors that get legislation passed that is in favor to women?   One might assume that if a state has more women in its legislature, then passage of bills that were pro-women would be more forthcoming, however, research has found this not to be true.  Men and women in legislation are more likely to support and pass protection bills on the behalf of women when there is an increase in women in the state’s labor force. 

Another assumption would be the state’s record of marital rape bill passage. Again, the research is contrary to the assumption.  States that passed weaker “foot in the door” bills were found to be legislatures that were hesitant to take on harder and more complete or complex bills on marital rape down the road. 

It has been suggested “that social movement activists may in fact be more successful in reaching their ultimate goal when they advocate for sweeping change.”[28]  In fact, it has been found that making smaller changes is a “resistance strategy” on the part of states that could thwart getting tougher laws passed down the road; that “the adoption of weaker laws does not indicate that the legislative environment is becoming more favorable to the adoption of the stronger law. Instead, the adoption of weaker versions of a proposed law indicates that the legislators are passing weaker laws in lieu of stronger legislation.”[29]

Progress has been made in the arena of marital rape protections but women are still unprotected in many states.  Consider these conflicting messages being sent to women:

·         Marital rape is illegal if divorce papers have been filed but a woman who flees to another state to live with relatives for her safety is unable to immediately file those papers that will put her in protective status. 

·         Marital rape is illegal if papers have been filed and the couple is living apart, but there is no law to force the husband to move out of the house after papers have been filed, leaving the woman unprotected under the law. 

·         Marital rape is illegal under any circumstances but the woman must report it within a limited time period as compared to non-marital rape that may not have a limited time period.  Marital rape is illegal but the sentences for the crime are lesser than those for non-marital rape. 

·         Marital rape is illegal but only if the woman can meet the higher standard of proving she fought, she screamed and that she feared death or bodily injury …. and oh by the way, ‘rape’ is not considered bodily injury. 

·         Fear of attack or rape from a husband can enable a woman to get a restraining order that may or may not be enforced by law enforcement’s “discretion” on whether they believe the woman or if the officers think it is a serious situation.

These conflicting messages tell women … wives ….. that they don’t matter as much as property or non-married women.  The placating laws sound good on paper but are just a pat on the head as far as equal legal protection goes.  We may have come a long way, baby, but in front of us still looms a long distance yet to travel.

---

[1] Voltairine de Cleyre: Sexual Slavery and Sexual Pleasure in the Nineteenth Century, Catherine Helen Palczewski, NWSA Journal , Vol. 7, No. 3 (Autumn, 1995), pp. 54-68. Published by: The Johns Hopkins University Press.  Article Stable URL: http://www.jstor.org/stable/4316402, page 68

[2] West, Robin. “Equality Theory, Marital Rape, and the Promise of the Fourteenth Amendment”. Georgetown Law, The Scholarly Commons. 1990. http://scholarship.law.georgetown.edu/   Accessed 2012-10-10. page 65

[3] Barden , J.C., Marital Rape: Drive for Tougher Laws is Pressed, New York Times, May 13, 1987. Accessed 10-10-12. http://www.nytimes.com/1987/05/13/us/marital-rape-drive-for-tougher-laws-is-pressed.html?pagewanted=all&src=pm

[4] ibid

[5] Ibid

[6] Ibid 

[7] The Free Library by Farlex. “A striking disconnect: marital rape law's failure to keep up with domestic violence law.” http://www.thefreelibrary.com/A+striking+disconnect%3A+marital+rape+law's+failure+to+keep+up+with...-a0295551332   Accessed 10-10-12.

[8] Conway, M. Margaret/Ahern, David W/Gteuernagel, Gertrude A.; Women and Public Policy, a Revolution in Progress; CQ Press, Wash D.C., 2005. Page 150

[9] The Free Library by Farlex. “A striking disconnect: marital rape law's failure to keep up with domestic violence law.” http://www.thefreelibrary.com/A+striking+disconnect%3A+marital+rape+law's+failure+to+keep+up+with...-a0295551332   Accessed 10-10-12.

[10] Ibid 

[11] U.S. History of Marital Rape. Crisis Connection (dot) com.  Accessed 10-10-12. http://www.crisisconnectioninc.org/pdf/US_History_of_Marital_Rape.pdf

[12] The Free Library by Farlex. “A striking disconnect: marital rape law's failure to keep up with domestic violence law.” http://www.thefreelibrary.com/A+striking+disconnect%3A+marital+rape+law's+failure+to+keep+up+with...-a0295551332   Accessed 10-10-12.

[13] Conway, M. Margaret/Ahern, David W/Gteuernagel, Gertrude A.; Women and Public Policy, a Revolution in Progress; CQ Press, Wash D.C., 2005. Page 150

[14] Module X: Marital Privilege and Confidentiality of Victim Records. National Judicial Education Program. http://www.njep-ipsacourse.org/MaritalPrivilege/SpousalImmunity.php  Accessed 10-12-12

[15] The Free Library by Farlex. “A striking disconnect: marital rape law's failure to keep up with domestic violence law.” http://www.thefreelibrary.com/A+striking+disconnect%3A+marital+rape+law's+failure+to+keep+up+with...-a0295551332   Accessed 10-10-12.

[16] Freedman, Estelle B., Women’s Long Battle to Define Rape. Washington Post Opinion. Published Aug 24, 2012.  Accessed 10-10-12.

[17] The Free Library by Farlex. “A striking disconnect: marital rape law's failure to keep up with domestic violence law.” http://www.thefreelibrary.com/A+striking+disconnect%3A+marital+rape+law's+failure+to+keep+up+with...-a0295551332   Accessed 10-10-12.

[18] Ibid

[19] Daane, Diane. Rape Law Reform: How Far Have We Come? The Prison Journal / Sage Publications 1988. http://www.sagepub.com/lippmanccl2e/study/articles/Daane.pdf    Accessed 10-12-12

[20] Freedman, Estelle B., Women’s Long Battle to Define Rape. Washington Post Opinion. Published Aug 24, 2012.  Accessed 10-10-12.

[21] Freedman, Estelle B., Women’s Long Battle to Define Rape. Washington Post Opinion. Published Aug 24, 2012.  Accessed 10-10-12.

[22] Goldfarb, Sally F., The Supreme Court, the Violence Against Women Act, and the Use and Abuse of Federalism, 71 Fordham L. Rev. 57 (2002). Available at: http://ir.lawnet.fordham.edu/flr/vol71/iss1/2  Accessed 10-12-12.

[23] Ibid

[24] The Free Library by Farlex. “A striking disconnect: marital rape law's failure to keep up with domestic violence law.” http://www.thefreelibrary.com/A+striking+disconnect%3A+marital+rape+law's+failure+to+keep+up+with...-a0295551332   Accessed 10-10-12.

[25] Panos London; Illuminating Voices. “Marital Rape outlawed by Napal’s Supreme court”. Oct 2002. http://panos.org.uk/features/marital-rape-outlawed-by-nepals-supreme-court/ Accessed 10-10-12.

[26] Goldfarb, Sally F., The Supreme Court, the Violence Against Women Act, and the Use and Abuse of Federalism, 71 Fordham L. Rev. 57 (2002). Available at: http://ir.lawnet.fordham.edu/flr/vol71/iss1/2  Accessed 10-12-12.

[27] The Free Library by Farlex. “A striking disconnect: marital rape law's failure to keep up with domestic violence law.” http://www.thefreelibrary.com/A+striking+disconnect%3A+marital+rape+law's+failure+to+keep+up+with...-a0295551332   Accessed 10-10-12.

[28] Howard, Warner, Renzulli.  Criminalizing Spousal Rape: The Diffusion of Legal Reforms. Portland State University (dot com).  U.S. History of Marital Rape. Crisis Connection (dot) com.  2009. Sociological Perspectives, Vol. 52, Issue 4, pp. 505–531, ISSN 0731-1214, electronic ISSN 1533-8673. page 520, 521 http://web.pdx.edu/~matg/Sociology/Gender_&_Sexualities_files/Criminalizing%20Spousal%20Rape.pdf   . Accessed 10-10-12.  

[29] Ibid.  

.